It's been a long time since i've posted a blog. I"ve been pretty busy.
The job at the grocery store down the street seems...Promising. I go back for a third interview on Friday. I bring my Social Security card, and my Photo ID. Since they're asking for that, I think that's a good indicator that I might have the job, but we'll see.
I'm a bit sexually frustrated right now. I don't know if Big Brother, a.k.a. He-who-must-not-be-named, is still in recovery from his Gall Bladder Attack, or what. One thing is for sure though, I am horny as a motherfucker.
It's actually depressing me right now. I am fighting the urge to
The job at the grocery store down the street seems...Promising. I go back for a third interview on Friday. I bring my Social Security card, and my Photo ID. Since they're asking for that, I think that's a good indicator that I might have the job, but we'll see.
I'm a bit sexually frustrated right now. I don't know if Big Brother, a.k.a. He-who-must-not-be-named, is still in recovery from his Gall Bladder Attack, or what. One thing is for sure though, I am horny as a motherfucker.
It's actually depressing me right now. I am fighting the urge to
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Victory
Well the day before yesterday I did another photo shoot. I was happy with the results this time. I dressed up in a leather jacket and thong and did these artistic/ballet poses i'd been working on the whole day. Even Odin said that these were much better...The photo shoot from before was a disaster...And in the photo shoots before those he said I had much more character.
He ended up editing one I didn't like...But I have the other ones to use at my disposal. So i'm glad...
I got fired from my job yesterday...But it's okay because I plan to
He ended up editing one I didn't like...But I have the other ones to use at my disposal. So i'm glad...
I got fired from my job yesterday...But it's okay because I plan to
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Let down...
I found myself a little distraught after the photo shoot. I was sad to have let myself down, and my photographer. I try to think, though, that he got angry at him...And told me my photos were bad, so that I could become a better model. Which I know is true...Because, when I go out on photo or video gigs(Foot fetish, girl on girl...I've already been to a few of those.) those photographers aren't going to be as nice. Really, his honest is a courtesy to me. It's only going to help me grow, and to be so good in the future that no one is going to be able to shoot me down with something that might hurt my feelings. I am entering the modeling business...It is a cutthroat world...I'm already black, and not an ideal model size or height(Well, I am 117 lbs....Which might pass...But I am only 5'0, and oobviously the sort of girls that get these gigs are either 1)White or could pass for white or cater to what "White" people consider attractive, i.e. Asian and Hispanic, 2)At least tall.)
Ashamed...
I'm sort of ashamed of myself right now. I and Big Brother shot today...I, in my sexy nurse outfit...But the photos did not come out to the best of my ability...You can view one of the epic fails on the upper right side of the page.
I hate mediocre work...So I am going to call out from work tomorrow and redo the shoot. I don't care at this point.
As you might have gathered, Big Brother is my photographer. Although he is also my boyfriend, he is a very strict photographer. He wants perfection...And I don't blame him. Who would pick up a camera, if not to create the greatest art possible? Even if it is simply only the greatest work within one's capacity. And even if that range of capacity weren't that great...One would still want to do their best.
I am ashamed of myself because I could do better.
In other news, I just saw "Zombieland". I t was a b-day for Mia that all four of us go(I still don't know how fuckin old she is...). I totally recommend it...It's fucking hilarious.
I might add some more to this post in the morning
I hate mediocre work...So I am going to call out from work tomorrow and redo the shoot. I don't care at this point.
As you might have gathered, Big Brother is my photographer. Although he is also my boyfriend, he is a very strict photographer. He wants perfection...And I don't blame him. Who would pick up a camera, if not to create the greatest art possible? Even if it is simply only the greatest work within one's capacity. And even if that range of capacity weren't that great...One would still want to do their best.
I am ashamed of myself because I could do better.
In other news, I just saw "Zombieland". I t was a b-day for Mia that all four of us go(I still don't know how fuckin old she is...). I totally recommend it...It's fucking hilarious.
I might add some more to this post in the morning
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Empty Shell
Damiana is an empty shell of a person. She is an automaton. I hate that her desire to please, comes before her desire to live life, her life, to the fullest. I would never think that altruism could have such dark shades...But, I guess I was wrong. She is a mime...She mimics her Master. The things that he says...And whatever he tells her, she believes. Don't get me wrong, Big Brother is VERY intelligent. He's the most intelligent person in this household. He's one of those people who can build things with their hands in a matter of seconds, he can draw lifelike things, he can play bass guitar...He's one of those DnD nerds you love to hate for their intelligence. But she idolizes him as if he were a God.
We did a photo shoot a few months ago. He was teaching us about photography, since we're both interested in learning, and not just being models. We were learning about Split, Loop, Butterfly, and Rembrandt Lighting. He gave us as assignment, to use either him or each other(But not ourselves, obviously) in order to create a photo using one of the styles of lighting we had just learned.
I decided to use her, and she decided to use Big Brother.
When it was my turn, I used her. I had already mapped out my idea. Since I am inspired by the Gothic and the Primitive(Well, I am inspired by lots of things...But I think all of my work will pretty much look like , or a Black Metal band) I chose to use the Pokot tribe as my inspiration. I wanted the photo to look primitive and fierce...Like a cross between "The Exorcist and Broadway's The Lion King". I used Summer's Eve(According to Damiana, the infamous, "Vag Powder", LOL) on her face in order to create the look of the clay-textured face paint that those from the tribe wear during rituals(Especially the (coming-of-age) rituals of young girls getting their Periods). I knew I wanted to use minimal light...To have the subject shrouded in darkness, save a few spots, such as the face and the body.
When I shot her, she kept getting antsy...Her body was trying to come up with a pose. Eventually she broke down, and her and Big Brother had a long discussion, which included her saying, "I was to perform for you..." Blasay blasay....Him telling her that she needed to work on her poses...More blasay blasay...
And then she used him as a subject. He was a cowboy, in a Weird West scenario. The finished product came out good...But she made it known that she wanted to please him with her photo.
She's not really an artist at all. Real artist...And there are MANY pseudo ones out there, are passionate about what they do...And they do what they do from the heart...It might not be politically correct...It might not be correct on any front...In fact it could be antisemitic, racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Obama, pro-Clitorectomy...But it is about what the artist, he or she, believes in.
I feel that Damiana is not a free individual, and you know what? She isn't. Obviously. I just get sick and tired about the fact that the one thing we have control over as human beings...I mean, I might never become rich or famous, Hell, I might not, though let's hope that isn't true, because published in a wide-spread fashion for the whole world to see...But I will always have the freedom to say what is on my mind. That much you can't take away from me. You can choose not to publish it...But you can't kill me for saying it.
I remember a conversation we had a few months ago...I can't even remember how we started discussing Communism. Big Brother believes in Socialism...And so do I. I believe that everyone is equal and everyone deserves a fair shot at life. I have a problem with people who aren't doing anything for themselves getting benefits, though...Which, well, that is one way I could see how Socialism could go wrong. But, Socialism, as BB put it, is "By the people, for the people". It's a utopian democracy.
He was trying to explain to Damiana...He actually tries to educate her...That Communism is a bad thing...Because it doesn't allow any sort of freedom for the individual. Communism is totalitarianism. You dissent(Wow,I really can't figure out how to spell that one right now) you die. Ironically, his being a Master is a form of totalitarianism, or could be. But, as i've said, he's actually trying to teach Damiana how to be...more Self-sufficient, hopefully so one day(Especially when her sub pet comes back from Kansas), she'll be able to live without him, or, since she'll still be living with us more than likely, won't be as dependent on him.
Well, Damiana kept defending Communism, saying that it provided,"More than we needed".I kept trying to explain to her that that isn't the point. The point isn't whether or not your needs are satisfied...But that what if you want more, simply because you want it? I wouldn't want the government to provide what it considers for me to be enough, if I can pay for more. What if the burger they give you isn't enough to feed fatty? What if you want more from your life than the machine-like existence they give you?
I gave another example...Saying that the art in a Communist society would be something akin to,"Smiley face equals happy", "Frowning face equals sad", "Vertical line equals hungry". Big Brother actually agreed with me, saying that is exactly what it is...Government control of expression.
I'm still not sure how she is able to defend that sort of thing. I mean, I know she is a Sub, and I know she is use to someone else having power over her, and thus they are like,but still...To apply that to everyone in the world when it should just be applied to you is pretty selfish.
I adore my freedom of choice..
If I had the link, i'd post some Devo:D
We did a photo shoot a few months ago. He was teaching us about photography, since we're both interested in learning, and not just being models. We were learning about Split, Loop, Butterfly, and Rembrandt Lighting. He gave us as assignment, to use either him or each other(But not ourselves, obviously) in order to create a photo using one of the styles of lighting we had just learned.
I decided to use her, and she decided to use Big Brother.
When it was my turn, I used her. I had already mapped out my idea. Since I am inspired by the Gothic and the Primitive(Well, I am inspired by lots of things...But I think all of my work will pretty much look like , or a Black Metal band) I chose to use the Pokot tribe as my inspiration. I wanted the photo to look primitive and fierce...Like a cross between "The Exorcist and Broadway's The Lion King". I used Summer's Eve(According to Damiana, the infamous, "Vag Powder", LOL) on her face in order to create the look of the clay-textured face paint that those from the tribe wear during rituals(Especially the (coming-of-age) rituals of young girls getting their Periods). I knew I wanted to use minimal light...To have the subject shrouded in darkness, save a few spots, such as the face and the body.
When I shot her, she kept getting antsy...Her body was trying to come up with a pose. Eventually she broke down, and her and Big Brother had a long discussion, which included her saying, "I was to perform for you..." Blasay blasay....Him telling her that she needed to work on her poses...More blasay blasay...
And then she used him as a subject. He was a cowboy, in a Weird West scenario. The finished product came out good...But she made it known that she wanted to please him with her photo.
She's not really an artist at all. Real artist...And there are MANY pseudo ones out there, are passionate about what they do...And they do what they do from the heart...It might not be politically correct...It might not be correct on any front...In fact it could be antisemitic, racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Obama, pro-Clitorectomy...But it is about what the artist, he or she, believes in.
I feel that Damiana is not a free individual, and you know what? She isn't. Obviously. I just get sick and tired about the fact that the one thing we have control over as human beings...I mean, I might never become rich or famous, Hell, I might not, though let's hope that isn't true, because published in a wide-spread fashion for the whole world to see...But I will always have the freedom to say what is on my mind. That much you can't take away from me. You can choose not to publish it...But you can't kill me for saying it.
I remember a conversation we had a few months ago...I can't even remember how we started discussing Communism. Big Brother believes in Socialism...And so do I. I believe that everyone is equal and everyone deserves a fair shot at life. I have a problem with people who aren't doing anything for themselves getting benefits, though...Which, well, that is one way I could see how Socialism could go wrong. But, Socialism, as BB put it, is "By the people, for the people". It's a utopian democracy.
He was trying to explain to Damiana...He actually tries to educate her...That Communism is a bad thing...Because it doesn't allow any sort of freedom for the individual. Communism is totalitarianism. You dissent(Wow,I really can't figure out how to spell that one right now) you die. Ironically, his being a Master is a form of totalitarianism, or could be. But, as i've said, he's actually trying to teach Damiana how to be...more Self-sufficient, hopefully so one day(Especially when her sub pet comes back from Kansas), she'll be able to live without him, or, since she'll still be living with us more than likely, won't be as dependent on him.
Well, Damiana kept defending Communism, saying that it provided,"More than we needed".I kept trying to explain to her that that isn't the point. The point isn't whether or not your needs are satisfied...But that what if you want more, simply because you want it? I wouldn't want the government to provide what it considers for me to be enough, if I can pay for more. What if the burger they give you isn't enough to feed fatty? What if you want more from your life than the machine-like existence they give you?
I gave another example...Saying that the art in a Communist society would be something akin to,"Smiley face equals happy", "Frowning face equals sad", "Vertical line equals hungry". Big Brother actually agreed with me, saying that is exactly what it is...Government control of expression.
I'm still not sure how she is able to defend that sort of thing. I mean, I know she is a Sub, and I know she is use to someone else having power over her, and thus they are like,but still...To apply that to everyone in the world when it should just be applied to you is pretty selfish.
I adore my freedom of choice..
If I had the link, i'd post some Devo:D
You're a Mean One, M.r. Grinch:D
I do not mean to be...But sometimes I find myself being a malicious person. I don't consider myself to be a mean person. But sometimes I hate the fact that Damiana lives in the same place as I do so much...Hate the fact that every waking hour, every time I come home from work...She'll be there...Like some twisted and deranged Stepford wife. I find myself wishing she'll go out on one of her gigs and never return, and end up raped or something traumatic...Even dead.
When she came home from her dancing gigs, I could tell something was wrong even though she didn't say anything. It turns out that a day after a dancing gig, this time at a private dance(Of only two), she was approached for sex. I guess it was all they wanted.
Nothing ended up happening...But, for someone of her mentality, I guess it was pretty detrimental.
Somehow, though, I find myself...Not caring. As malicious as that it. I just don't.
I guess I don't have much sympathy/empathy for her because she will use those situations, and come home, all "Broken up"...So that Big Brother will pity her, and keep her around....Because, you know, she can't possibly take care of herself, and you don't want to put her out on the street...
As far as the dance...She couldn't know that would happen. But there have been other times when she has walked straight into her own defeat. Like when she almost got herself involved in illegal prostitution...And then when Big Brother told her how exactly she was involving herself in something illegal, and then she kept defending her doing it, and then him asking her how she would declare her innocence, she said, "Well...I would just say that I didn't know...".
Obviously, if you commit a crime...No matter what it is...Whether you were aware it was a crime or not, you're going to get some degree of punishment.
But common sense does not occur to her.
She will never move beyond Big Brother, and the fact that he does not love her in any way, except as a Master to a Slave(Although, as I have said, he is not as brutal a Master as he could be, in any respect).
She is always in a futile, and perpetual struggle to please him with her pancakes, with her sandwich-makingskills, with her knowledge of, maybe not useless, but random facts about video games and books(She knows a lot quantitatively, but not qualitatively. I mean, i'm sorry, but if you know so-and-so black mage from Dungeons and Dragons, yet defend Communism...There is a vast...Difference between what you call Wisdom, as opposed to Intelligence.)
Big Brother is her mentor...And he seriously believes that she needs him. But I think he enables her to be weak. Apparently, in the past, she has fallen for all the wrong sorts of men, and ended up used and abused...Told to suck their dick in order to "Repent" for her having "Had sex with other men"...Mind games...She hadn't had sex with other men, yet they made her feel guilty for something she didn't do, and then made her make up for something that she, well, didn't do.
But experience breeds knowledge, and you can't tell me that she could possibly think it okay to repeat the same mistake. I don't care your brain is wired...If you keep getting stung...Eventually you'll learn to remove the stinger.
Damiana is punished right now. Every time she "Fucks up" she is punished for a certain amount of time.
The first time she was punished, at least that I know of, she stole money from the cup we use for communal finances(Rent, food, transportation, a family trip to the movie theatre or the mall, or even money for an individual as long as they make it known that they're a) taking money from the cup, and b) how much they're taking.) Apparently, she took more than she was suppose to(Don't quote me on the entire story, I actually can't remember it well), money we didn't have...That is why we would have been short on the rent money(I think), but Big Brother had me chip in a little more than he wanted me to that month, and so we had all the rent money back. I just remember one night...Me and Mia were on the floor in the living room watching something, and we saw him bring her into the bathroom, carrying a big, metal poll. My mind just said, "Ooouch...". We heard screaming coming from the bathroom, and looked at each other, but surprisingly, we only heard two loud ones, and then the others were not as discernible.
She ended up having a bruise on both of her cheeks that had the appearance of third degree burns for about two weeks.
When she came home from her dancing gigs, I could tell something was wrong even though she didn't say anything. It turns out that a day after a dancing gig, this time at a private dance(Of only two), she was approached for sex. I guess it was all they wanted.
Nothing ended up happening...But, for someone of her mentality, I guess it was pretty detrimental.
Somehow, though, I find myself...Not caring. As malicious as that it. I just don't.
I guess I don't have much sympathy/empathy for her because she will use those situations, and come home, all "Broken up"...So that Big Brother will pity her, and keep her around....Because, you know, she can't possibly take care of herself, and you don't want to put her out on the street...
As far as the dance...She couldn't know that would happen. But there have been other times when she has walked straight into her own defeat. Like when she almost got herself involved in illegal prostitution...And then when Big Brother told her how exactly she was involving herself in something illegal, and then she kept defending her doing it, and then him asking her how she would declare her innocence, she said, "Well...I would just say that I didn't know...".
Obviously, if you commit a crime...No matter what it is...Whether you were aware it was a crime or not, you're going to get some degree of punishment.
But common sense does not occur to her.
She will never move beyond Big Brother, and the fact that he does not love her in any way, except as a Master to a Slave(Although, as I have said, he is not as brutal a Master as he could be, in any respect).
She is always in a futile, and perpetual struggle to please him with her pancakes, with her sandwich-makingskills, with her knowledge of, maybe not useless, but random facts about video games and books(She knows a lot quantitatively, but not qualitatively. I mean, i'm sorry, but if you know so-and-so black mage from Dungeons and Dragons, yet defend Communism...There is a vast...Difference between what you call Wisdom, as opposed to Intelligence.)
Big Brother is her mentor...And he seriously believes that she needs him. But I think he enables her to be weak. Apparently, in the past, she has fallen for all the wrong sorts of men, and ended up used and abused...Told to suck their dick in order to "Repent" for her having "Had sex with other men"...Mind games...She hadn't had sex with other men, yet they made her feel guilty for something she didn't do, and then made her make up for something that she, well, didn't do.
But experience breeds knowledge, and you can't tell me that she could possibly think it okay to repeat the same mistake. I don't care your brain is wired...If you keep getting stung...Eventually you'll learn to remove the stinger.
Damiana is punished right now. Every time she "Fucks up" she is punished for a certain amount of time.
The first time she was punished, at least that I know of, she stole money from the cup we use for communal finances(Rent, food, transportation, a family trip to the movie theatre or the mall, or even money for an individual as long as they make it known that they're a) taking money from the cup, and b) how much they're taking.) Apparently, she took more than she was suppose to(Don't quote me on the entire story, I actually can't remember it well), money we didn't have...That is why we would have been short on the rent money(I think), but Big Brother had me chip in a little more than he wanted me to that month, and so we had all the rent money back. I just remember one night...Me and Mia were on the floor in the living room watching something, and we saw him bring her into the bathroom, carrying a big, metal poll. My mind just said, "Ooouch...". We heard screaming coming from the bathroom, and looked at each other, but surprisingly, we only heard two loud ones, and then the others were not as discernible.
She ended up having a bruise on both of her cheeks that had the appearance of third degree burns for about two weeks.
Saturday the Third
So I woke up about fifteen minutes or so. I went to sleep at about three or four. I think it was three going on four. So I am justified in waking up around noon. I don't really like to sleep in late, unless my body is really craving it, because I could be getting work done...Take new photos, especially so I can better learn how to pose for the camera.(Which is what me and "Big Brother" are doing at the moment, as well as trying to give me new photos for my artistic resume.). Or I could be planning other photo shoots...The things I could buy for them(I currently have a list of things to buy, like more Corsets...So I can finally branch into Gothic Photography, a Satanic cloak/robe...So I can use for a Halloween-themed, well, Satanic-themed photo shoot, replete with human sacrifice, hehe...Black wings...A schoolgirl skirt, lace gloves, pvc wear- especially pants, and a bustier, a thigh-length black pencil skirt, etc etc).It is a rainy day. It's cold. Obvious that winter is around the corner.
I had a bowl of cereal(Raisin Grain), and now am sitting around hopping that we can get this photo shoot done today. We tried to get it done Thursday, but the camera had been left on and the CR-V3 batteries inside had died(Happens at least once a year, Big Brother had comically offered.). By the time we had gone to and from the place we had bought batteries from(We also bought leggings for the ensuing cold months, the sun had set...That was the light we needed for the shoot...Otherwise we would be working with light bulbs...And that isn't the sort of light you want for a shoot...
I mean you could use light bulbs, and then photo shop it into the light you want(Black/White, Flourescent, etc etc). But it is not ideal...
I have a Nurse's outfit that I am going to use. It looks like the model for the shoot isn't going to show. There was going to be a black male model, whom I was going to "murder" in the shoot...Dousing my costume and him with blood and "slicing and dicing" him with a butcher's knife...Slowing getting naked in each shot.
But it is alright that he is not going to show. I was going to shoot either with or without a model...And it looks like i'm going to be shooting without one.
I need to call the grocery store down the street on Monday, and speak with Anna.
I played hookie yesterday because I do not want to go to my job. I hate working six to eight hours doing something that does not please me. At least if I work at the grocery store I will only have to walk two blocks, and hopefully work around five to six hours a day, getting off at around 4 to 5 each day.
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